Everything is Okay

"I find strength in solitude 

and hope in my dreams. 

I get lost in the sounds of nature 

and go days without sleep. 

No one promised me it'd be easy, 

but i guess I didn't think 

that finding myself wouldn't be a clear path 
or even one that I could see." 

-Jaz

So I don't really know what I'm feeling or much of whats going on right now which is why it has taken me so long to write this. I've been so busy and life has been coming at me pretty damn fast, but I'm hoping that writing this will clear some things up for me. There has been a lot of things on my mind so this post is basically going to be personal thoughts gone public. 

I want to start with a little ramble on mental health and why it is so fucking important. It wasn't until recently I began noticing that the people around me and a lot of the people I encountered every day could really use someone to talk to. Thats not to say that any of these people didn't have friends and family, but it seems as though what everyone lacked is someone who would actually listen. I noticed that most of the friends who felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable around me, not only needed someone who would listen, but also someone who would remind them that their feelings are valid. And I think that is crazy. So many people desperately seek someone who will listen to them but they also want to feel accepted and reassured that what they are feeling is okay. And I'm here to tell you all that it is okay. It's okay to not know whats going on and it's okay to not be able to explain exactly what you are feeling. But most importantly it is okay to feel. I don't think enough people know that. I don't think enough people know that it is 100% okay to feel the way you do and need someone just to listen. Whether or not the way you are feeling is of mental health concern or not... it is worth taking the time to find out. So please please please, be aware of your mental health and ask for help if you need it. 

For me, asking for help when I really needed it was hard. But I think the harder part was accepting the things that were wrong with me and learning to live with them. I think the way society has raised us is to instead not acknowledge our faults or flaws and to just keep up appearances. We think that if we do not feel like ourselves it has something to do with the way we've been comparing ourselves to others instead of reflecting on the real issues at hand. I can tell you through experience that pretending you are happy without understanding why you aren't, isn't ever going to get you far. Avoiding your thoughts and feelings only keeps you further away from your truth. I remember the first time I spoke to a therapist about things that I thought were just part of life. Like my constant self depreciation, panic attacks, my uncontrollable tears, paranoia, and of course the nights with insomnia. All normal, right? We all have those days. I don't remember exactly, but at some point it clicked in my head that when these things started affected other parts of my life, I desperately needed to make a change.

Before I ever started seeing a therapist and before I was ever diagnosed, I ironically loved taking classes and learning about psychology. It was always so interesting to me to learn about how the mind worked and how the behaviors of people weren't by accident. It is also cool to learn about these things and apply it to the world around me and all the people I meet. But never did I think the stuff that I was learning could be applied to me directly. I've learned a lot since I've start applying that knowledge to my own situation. Through acknowledgment, therapy, reflection, and mindfulness I've have improved my overall well-being, my mental health and I have found self-love . The things I learned through recognizing my issues helped me find this love. This love I so desperately crave. Through recognizing what I went through and how it affected me, I was able to gain clarity on the things that would bring me happiness and I found out who I was. And I think the most relevant lesson I've learned through it all is that you should never let anyone influence the way you feel about the things that are most important to you. 

There are going to be a lot of people claiming that they have your best interest at heart. Family will distract you, friends will influence you, and it will be hard to recognize your own voice at times. Things might get crazy and you may feel extremely lost, but trust your own heart when it comes to your happiness. If something doesn't feel right, listen. If something makes you feel good, keep it. And if anyone tries to make you feel differently, think twice about what that person is doing to better you. I can't guarantee that doing what's right for you won't hurt, confuse, or bother the people around you but I can say that your happiness is more important. Even if it scares you, do what you know is best for you and the rest will figure itself out. Listen to your heart and love you. 

Peace and Love,
Jaz