Art is You

The universe took its time on you

crafted you to offer the world

something different from everyone else

when you doubt

how you were created

you doubt an energy greater than us both

- irreplaceable, Rupi Kaur

Ya know I used to be ashamed of the things I've been through and never really found it necessary to share the stories I'm sharing now to avoid the humiliation of someone judging me on something they don't have the full story on. I would avoid bringing up things of the past because I didn't need the pity and every time I did I was only reminded of the stupid shit I've been through. But the more I've been blogging and really journaling out my thoughts and fears that stem from some of these things, I realize how silly I was to feel ashamed of the things that have made me the person I am today. The life I was given is nothing short of an artistic masterpiece finally finding a way to showcase itself in the right light.

Side-note: I have this friend back in Labelle who knew my entire situation growing up and never once questioned me about it. At a really early age she kind of just accepted that everyone was going through their own shit in their own lives and that it was unnecessary to question anything I didn't want to openly talk to her about. Which was cool and I'm pretty sure that's why were still close friends today. She just always accepted me without a full story and had my back if I ever did need support. So shoutout to her for letting my paint stir as I figured things out on my own.

I like to think I was the "good," child. But I guess that really depends on what you define good or bad. I mean I was an A++ student, never a trouble maker, well-liked, heavily involved with extracurriculars, and a very well behaved teenager. On paper, I probably seemed like the ideal teen every parent wished they had. In reality though, I was a lost and self destructive young girl who hid her insecurities and problems really well. Though everything seemed well with me to the public, very few people knew what was going on in my head during these early adolescent years. I grew up with my grandparents, but I've always felt like a burden and would never trouble my grandparents with the things going on in my mind. I honestly don't know how much would've changed for me had they known because there were so much other things going on in my family that my problems probably seemed small at the time. It was around the 7th and 8th grade that I started losing control of my thoughts and started my teenage angst bs. And the summer before I got into high school is when I was really on my bs. Gma if you are reading this... this is as far as you should read as I am about to break your heart a little when you read some of the things I was going through in the time you had me. 

In about the 7th grade when I was about twelve my friends started gossiping about the things they were doing and how they were doing it. Now at twelve I was not quite ready to lose myself but this is when I really started hurting and started looking for outlets to cure the pain. I began self harming, sneaking out and eventually at thirteen smoking weed, drinking alcohol and losing my innocence. I had no excuse for the things I was doing really. All I can say is that there was a lot going on in my head at the time and thats when the sleepless nights began that caused me to really lose my shit. I'd also like to add that the people I had around me were already talking about sex, drugs, and alcohol which I could imagine influenced young Jaz. But either way not cool. Not cool for a thirteen year old girl to have enough time and curiosity to hurt herself to try and feel something. Not cool for a thirteen year old to be sneaking out and smoking weed. But ya know... it happens. I'd like to point out that I wouldn't always sneak out to do bad things, sometimes I would do it just to wander and sometimes just to cry. But still. Not the type of thing a parent would like to hear their thirteen year old is doing. Nonetheless, that's not the point of this post.

The point of this is to say that although I've been through some things, I've done some things I'm not proud of and I've seen a lot... all of these things have made me who I am. All of this stuff was simply a way to bring me closer to the person I'm meant to be and the person I am today. I don't tell people about how my family life was a mess, how I self harmed, or how I was able to sneak out and do shit I wasn't supposed to all at a young age because I was ashamed of these things. I've been afraid of what people might think or how they might look at me after they knew some of my story (as I imagine most people who choose to hide themselves from the world are). But I've been posting all this stuff on my social media about acceptance, true self and storytelling and I figured it were only appropriate for me to give y'all some truth.

The truth is everyone is going through something, has gone through something or will go through something that will drastically change the way they view the world. And that's okay. Thats just the way life works. The universe constantly throws theses circumstances at us in order for us to shape and evolve us into the person we are meant to become. And whether we realize it or not we are all art the cosmos are creating and it is beautiful. So don't feel afraid or ashamed to speak your truth and accept the things that make you who you are. I am art and art is you.

Peace and Love,
Jaz