Dear Momma

So this topic was one I've wanted to write about since I started this blog but haven't had the guts to write it out knowing I would exploit the live of someone without them knowing first. I feel like she won't mind if she actually read it and saw I was using her as an example for something positive that has help me grow spiritually and has consequently made me a better person. 

"The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

-Mahatma Gandhi

This post will be about my mother. For those of you who don't know who she is specifically, sorry I'm going to leave her name out of this because I don't feel as though that is important. So here's the basic summary of the life of my mother through the lens of her eldest daughter. My mom got pregnant at the age of sixteen and had me at the age of seventeen while she was still in high school. Though I was too young to remember how her life was when she was a young mother exactly, through words of my grandparents (her parents that raised me) and my dad I've been able to piece together the kind of person she was before and after having me. Before having me my mother was an athlete, very smart and a likable young lady. Though I can't say I know much about how she was before she had me, her teachers from high school and middle school were some of mine and would tell me stories of the kind of girl she was when they had her. After having me my grandparents and dad recall her going through what we would refer to now as a "party phase." And two years after having me she had my sister, Ariel who became part of our dysfunctional little family living in a little trailer down A road in the middle of a no where town called Labelle. My parents had both me and Ariel before getting married and then divorcing from irreconcilable differences. Shortly after divorcing they both found new partners and remarried. Mom married a guy that from what I remembered treated her very poorly but gave my sister and I two beautiful step siblings (I'll probably do a post talking about these two later). After those two got a divorce my mom jumped around from dude to dude and at the time I didn't know but later my mom told me she was under the influence of drugs when all of the moving around was happening. So as she was trying to figure out her life out with new men and illegal substances, My young siblings were dragged along with her while my sister and I got put on my grandparents. My mom was in and out of our lives for the most part, which is really what gets to me the most. We got to stay with her some weekends and got to see her life from a distant perspective but i always needed my mom and it seemed like she was never really there. Though I was too young to remember what was going on at the time, I remember witnessing a lot of things a person at that age should not have witnessed spending time with my mother. And it wasn't until later that I was able to piece together exactly what I saw as a young girl. I remember seeing my mom get hit by her boyfriend, do drugs, make drugs, throw parties, have expensive things, buy fancy houses, and start a business that would later turn her world upside down. When I was in the eighth going into the ninth grade I remember my mom moving around a lot with her boyfriend and by the end of my ninth grade year she go arrested on felony charges of human trafficking that started from a business under my moms name. So all through my high school, the time I needed my mom the most, she was involved in some heavy ass shit and caused me a lot of despair. Along with that the people who did know who my mom was made sure to point out that she was by my mother to others. So along with the abandonment issues I had from my mother before all this went down, I dealt with the stress of not having a mother even if I wanted to and the embarrassment of having a mother who got caught up in such a big arrest. Thankfully, she had an amazing lawyer who was able to get her out of prison before I graduated. But after her release my relationship with my mother diminished due to family chaos that led me to tell my mother how I really felt about her. To this day I don't ever think my mom truly understood what I was trying to tell her and that's probably the biggest reason we fell out. Even though we still don't ever really talk now, I don't regret any words I said to her then as they still run deep and in short this is what I wanted her to hear:

Although my mom didn't really have to raise my sister and I and left most of the work for my grandparents who did a fine job, she will never really know what she put us through. I don't need my mom now as I've learned to live independently and have become extremely self reliant when it comes to my emotions. I know she can't change the way she chose to live her life after dropping us on my grandparents, but I can only hope that she raises my little brother and sister better than she ever could of raised me and Ariel. I hope that she became aware of the mistakes she has made as a mother with her eldest daughter and is fixing them to become a good mother for my siblings living without their father. I hope she's doing much better now and is making choices she'd be proud of. But most importantly I want my mother to know that I forgive her. I forgive her for the mistakes she made. I know your only human momma and though I may never say it to your face.. I forgive you. 

Forgiveness is powerful. It gives us the ability to acknowledge the issues we have with someone or even ourselves that are far deeper than hurt and is the first step in releasing negativity from our lives. A lot of people hold on to hurt. They hold on to pain and blame their issues on somebody who makes mistakes just like themselves. But I'm telling you now, let it go. Forgive the people who hurt you and release the pain that traps you. Once you forgive, you allow yourself more room to move on and be happy about the things and people in your life instead of getting caught up in the hurt of the past. I've learned that forgiveness frees you and allows you to grow to your highest potential. And though you may never forget the hurt you felt at one time, forgiveness allows you to move forward stronger. In a few bullet points this is what I want you guys to take from reading this post:

• Hurt is inevitable. We only choose how long we want it to last by changing our mindset
• We are all human and we all make mistakes
• Forgiveness is an important part of releasing negative energy and moving to your higher self

Be a better you guys. Be a forgiving you. Though you don't have to externally forgive, internally release the hate in your heart to allow love and positivity flow in. Forgive because your soul deserves peace.

Peace and love,

Jaz

p.s. I just started classes again so I'll be posting as often as I can but will definitely have less free time than before to post as much as I did at the beginning. Please keep reading my posts and sharing though.